Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
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[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Hamburger Hinderer.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.