Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
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[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos