(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
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The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks