Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
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Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
OMG 🤣🤣
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
I am patiently waiting for your email
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.