I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
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i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer