Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
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I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
My typo game is string.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.