My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
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Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport