Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
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This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat