What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
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Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Straight people are cancelled
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course