I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
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“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.