Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
You Might Also Like
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
🤔😂😂
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?