“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
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New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.