*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
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Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
one last job
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
won’t smith
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.