I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
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Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Golf would be better with landmines.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?