My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
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ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.