Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
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Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser