I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
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I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.