When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
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He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.