shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
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Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.