The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
You Might Also Like
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Unexpected Judgment
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!