Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
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“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
I self medicate, therefore you live.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff