Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
You Might Also Like
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
just leave it at the foot of the bed
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
Noted.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.