Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
You Might Also Like
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”