just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
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Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Not messing around
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL