Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
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I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.