ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
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doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Bike is short for Bichael.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery