Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
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I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer