[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
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Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.