what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
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Passwords are more important than ever.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Worst perfume name ever.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.