Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
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Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
I hate everything
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.