[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
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funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
I feel it
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
get you a girl who
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
No, YOUR illiterate.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better