I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
You Might Also Like
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
The French word for sex is croissant.
Bro what is this
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”