[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
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[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Battery falling down a hole
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime