One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
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one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
The Sun
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Every time.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot