[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
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If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]