Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
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WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year