If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
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My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Lmao 🤣
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.