If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
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[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Leaving the Barbers like
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.