Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
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i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
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[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.