I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
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I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
Still my favorite headline of all time:
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit