church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
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My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
subtitles are so good nowadays
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’