stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
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I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from