My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
You Might Also Like
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
I thought this was funny lol
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.