I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
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My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
me doing my best
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
💯😂
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead