My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
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My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
The real reason evolution started..😂
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.