Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
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I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
I bet
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
The dark side of Canada
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.