What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
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Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
I hate my earbuds.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.