Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
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Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
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Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
this makes me so uncomfortable
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker