Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
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The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
Me trying to walk in a dream
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now