God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
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Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
my fav colour is also hitler
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.